


GET BIG SNAKE NOW!!!

by Snagglefanged



Category: Naruto, ロック・リーの青春フルパワー忍伝 | Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth | Rock Lee & His Ninja Pals
Genre: Comedy, Deliberately incorrect herpetology for comedic purposes, Gen, Orochimaru gets the wrong idea, Silly, Things Taken Literally, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Rock Lee/Sakura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 19:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15647766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snagglefanged/pseuds/Snagglefanged
Summary: When Orochimaru answers some flyers for a dubious bunch of products, Kabuto will have to deal with the results. And so will Rock Lee? (The ninja equivalent of dodgy email spam. All sorts of silliness.)





	GET BIG SNAKE NOW!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Original idea coming from some cracky anons I sent a bud on tumblr... Here ya go, mate, the fanfic version.

It's yet another beautiful morning in the Hidden Leaf Village. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there are a chorus of shouts, mostly concerning the 'passionate flame of youth' and the joys of spurring the body on to new heights of achievement. The postman is making his rounds, delivering letters and parcels to all manner of people.

However, unlike Santa, the postman doesn't confine his deliveries to the good boys and girls, which is why the rented postbox at the very end of the third row is now bulging with things that, themselves, contain an awful lot of bulging things. This fact is due to be discovered any moment now by the person who rented this mailbox -

\- Er.

Any moment now.

Any... moment... now...

We'll just come back to that later, all right?

For now, let's watch as a hero of the Hidden Leaf Village trains! It's Rock Lee, star of such shows as _Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals_ , adapted from the noted gag manga  _Rock Lee no Seishun Full-Power Ninden_ , or _Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth Full Power Ninja Chronicles_ , for those of you who like English translations and incredibly long titles. He also features in the _Naruto_ series, which is why you're all here, isn't it?

"Excuse me! I think they are here to see me because I am the star of my own gag anime!"

Oh, that's him now. And now that the fourth wall has been thoroughly shattered, may I remind you that I've already left the 'Naruto SD' out of those titles?

"Lee, put a sock in it, we don't know how robust a text medium is for this kind of thing!" That's Tenten. A beautiful ("Did you hear that, guys?") and chronically underrated ("Wait, what?") young shinobi of the Hidden Leaf, and one of Rock Lee's teammates. Well done, Tenten! Keep it up!

Ahem.

Rock Lee's training his mighty heart out today, even though he can't use ninjutsu or genjutsu, punching a stump as hard as he can. He's sweating.

...Quite a lot, actually. It's really kind of gross at this point.

Let's go back and check on that mailbox again, shall we? Oh, it looks like we have some progress on that front. Your humble narrator will shut up, now, and let the action roll.

Metaphorically speaking.

\-----

A hooded figure creeps toward the mailbox, stealthily approaching the target. He slips behind the shadow of a tree as Izumo and Kotetsu pass by, but their attention is entirely on each other, and they have no inkling that he's there. With them gone, he makes the final dash, reaches the mailbox, and pushes back his hood.

Yakushi Kabuto, spy, medic, and perennial flunky to what might be the oddest out of the Legendary Sannin, though that title has usually been hotly contested, peers into the mailbox.

"Oh, we've had a delivery! I knew setting ourselves up with Konoha Mail would work out!" he exclaims. "Just wait until I tell Lord Orochimaru!"

He takes out the first piece of mail. There appears to be a flyer attached to it, and his lips move slightly as he reads the words on top.

"XXX GET BIG SNAKE NOW!!! THICK N GIRTHY MAKE EM SCREAM -"

Kabuto has a curious nature. That might be why, even after reading that, he still looks at the magazine under the flyer.

There's a long pause. His face goes red. Very red indeed, until he rather resembles a tomato with glasses.

"Oh... _oh my_. That's... not actually possible, is it? Not for any normal human being?" He turns a page, and then another. The sound of distant laughter and conversation makes him look up, though, and he starts looking around nervously. "I can't be caught here! I can't be caught with... _this_!" His first reaction is to stuff everything back into the mailbox. At least he's not holding it anymore, now.

Then he pulls the hood back up and flees.

"Did you see someone go by just now?" asks Sakura, as she comes around a corner. "I could have sworn I saw somebody running away."

"Huh? No, I didn't see anything," answers Ino, whose bangs have managed to completely get in the way on that account, since the eye she would have used is covered. "So anyway, there was this new jewellery shop at the other end of the village, and I heard they have the cutest little friendship bracelets there! Everyone who's seen them just has to have one!"

"Wow, I guess we ought to take a look, then." Sakura beams, and breaks into a jog, Ino hurrying to keep pace with her.

As they go, they pass by Rock Lee, Tenten, and Neji - or, to be more precise, they pass by Tenten and Neji, while Rock Lee attempts to hide behind a tree so that Sakura won't see him when he's this disgustingly sweaty. Tenten has already explained to him just how important it is to look clean and smell nice when talking to girls, and with her words ringing in his ears and a conveniently timed flashback -

_"Honestly, Lee, you smell terrible right now! Sakura will never want you getting close to her like this! And you want to hold her hand? You're dripping with sweat, your hands will be gross and slippery!"_

_"Oh no! Then I must not let her see me until I am the picture of cleanliness! Neji! Please use your Byakugan to tell me if Sakura is nearby so I can hide from her!"_

\- a conveniently timed flashback playing in front of his eyes (and apparently the audience's eyes too) he is doing his very best to stay out of sight.

Unfortunately, staying out of  _smell_  is a different story.

"Ew, Sakura, what's that awful smell?"

"I don't know, but it's horrible! Come on, let's keep moving!"

And while Rock Lee cries behind the tree, and the smell of him wilts a few leaves and knocks out the ninja who'd been sitting in the branches, Ino and Sakura depart.

Yamato, falling from the tree, narrowly misses Rock Lee, but Lee's in good spirits again.

"Yes! I have hidden from Sakura, and she will never know it was me that was so smelly! Come, Neji, to the baths!"

"Hey, don't put your arm around my shoulders when you smell like that," Neji protests, swaying in the waves of stench unleashed at his helpless face.

Their trip to the baths is sure to ensue once Lee stops raising his arms suddenly around people.

Meanwhile, Kabuto is lurking outside the village, where he'd fled upon discovering that his mailbox had such... interesting content in it.

He sighs heavily. "Oh, what am I going to do? Whoever ordered that magazine will be expecting it, but I'll be a laughingstock if I'm seen carrying anything like that around." He squares his shoulders. "There's no help for it. I'll just have to take everything out of the box and hide it somewhere else until I find out whose it is."

A master of stealth, he's creeping back into the village disguised as a very-definitely-not-Kabuto-Leaf-citizen with a big bushy beard and moustache. He might be moving a little fast for an old man with a walking stick, but nobody's noticed so far.

There's the mailbox once again, and Kabuto opens it gingerly. There's... another flyer in there, and he reads it with mounting concern.

"PILLS! PILLS! PLLS! MAKE UR SNAKE BEEFIER TODAT!"

And sure enough, the mailman is coming back with a parcel for the mailbox. He spares Kabuto a brief, sympathetic glance. "Not fun getting old, huh?"

Speechless, Kabuto waits until the man's gone again before opening the parcel. There are pills inside, and creams with some labels that feature words like 'stamina' and 'mighty size' here and there on them. Sighing, he stuffs everything into the one parcel and shuffles off.

Back at the secret hideout, Orochimaru is pacing back and forth when Kabuto gets there.

"Ah, Kabuto, have you checked our mail yet?"

"I - uh - yes, Lord Orochimaru, but..."

"But?"

"But there's some things here, and I'm not sure whose they are -"

Orochimaru grabs at the parcel, hauling it out of Kabuto's hands using his tongue. Once he has it, he looks inside. "Oh, the pills are here! And the creams!"

"I - beg your pardon, Lord Orochimaru, those are _yours_?"

"Yes, of course!" There's a cackle of laughter from Orochimaru. "You see, Kabuto, we Legendary Sannin have our Three-way Deadlock, and I've finally worked out how to break it! I just have to make Manda bigger, and then I can crush the Hidden Leaf once and for all!"

Kabuto's mouth hangs open for a while. Finally, he manages to say "Er... yes, Lord Orochimaru." It's easier than trying to explain the fundamental misunderstanding here.

"I told them to send me everything in their catalogue, so we should get more deliveries again tomorrow. Go pick those up, won't you, Kabuto?"

"...Yes, Lord Orochimaru." This time, it's the resigned mumble of a defeated man.

Back in the village, Rock Lee is crying. Again.

"Oh, Tenten, what am I going to do? I want to speak to Sakura, but she will not like me if I am not clean, and every time I try to get near her, I start sweating! I have taken four baths today, and three showers, and I am running out of clean jumpsuits!"

"Er... wow." With a certain amount of horror, Tenten peers at Lee. "...Yeesh." She winces, seeing how raw he's managed to scrub his skin. "Okay, why don't we go shopping for some deodorant? You could get an antiperspirant and then you won't sweat so much?"

"That is a brilliant idea! Tenten, you are a genius!" Rock Lee grabs Tenten's hand, and drags her along at a blistering run to the shop.

There are rows of deodorants in there, but Rock Lee looks them over, and selects the strongest one. He pays, takes it, and that's when Tenten's guidance might have been more useful, if only he'd listened.

"And now, to test it!"

"Lee, wait, you've scrubbed half your skin off, don't just spray that on -"

The scream that ensues scares off every single bird in the area, with the exception of one mocking crow.

Another bright and wonderful morning dawns the next day, and Kabuto is back, once again disguised as an old man, to collect whatever it might be that Orochimaru has ordered from the mysterious catalogue. All around him, the world is full of joy and wonderment, but the only part of it that Kabuto can feel right now is the part where he's wondering just what he's going to find in the mailbox.

...More flyers, for a start, and more magazines.

"Ninja... hotties... monthly?" Kabuto flips one open. He turns it around. His head tilts. And then he begins the transformation, once again, into a tomato with glasses.

Any further inspection, however, is halted by a shout from a middle-aged woman nearby.

"Why, you pervert, reading that filth in public! Is this any way for an old man to behave?"

Kabuto stammers, looking around, trying to come up with an answer. "W-well - I - I -  uh -" At last, inspiration strikes. "Madam, they're not mine! My grandson has been very wicked, ordering these, and I'm going to confront him with them and punish him! I swear, I had no idea what this was until I opened it! I am shocked, absolutely _shocked_." He sweeps all the contents of the mailbox into a bag, flourishing a flyer dramatically. "The youth of today pass around these awful things and something needs to be done about it!"

With that, Kabuto tears up the flyer, throws it to the ground, and leaves as fast as his disguise will allow.

Somewhere behind him, the woman is shouting "Litterer!" because apparently, he just can't do anything right today.

It's a relief when he gets safely out of the village and can stop to catch his breath... and maybe give that magazine another read...

Back in the village, the wind is sending bits of the ruined flyer through the air. There goes one, swirling, floating, and hitting Rock Lee squarely in the face. He holds it up, looking bewildered. " -THICK N GIRTHY - ? Oh, and there is an address? Ah, I see!" He beams. "These people must sell training tools. A strong ninja's body should be thick and girthy, indeed! This will get Sakura's attention!" He's jogging away home to see if he can't order some of these mysterious training tools, and finally win Sakura's affections with his new, mighty body.

It's not easy, being the right-hand man of someone like Orochimaru. When Kabuto does finally get back to the hideout, he's put to work rubbing odd-smelling creams into as much of Manda as he can reach. Failing to explain certain facts to Orochimaru means it's too late to do anything about it now; all he can do is follow the orders he's been given, and wait to see what kind of disaster will ensue.

Because, let's face it, a disaster is imminent. Kabuto knows it. We all know it. The only ones who don't know it, or at least have some dark presentiment of oncoming trouble, are Orochimaru, Rock Lee, and probably Might Guy. Even Naruto's beginning to get the sense that something's up, though he's dismissed it as indigestion from a little too much ramen eaten all at once.

Another day, this one rainy, and Rock Lee is dutifully checking his mail for some response to the advertisement he's answered. Sure enough, there is a bottle of pills in there, waiting for him.

"Yes! Greater strength awaits me!" he cheers, holding the bottle up to the light. Just then, he sees Sakura drawing nearer, looking very cute indeed under an umbrella, and waves enthusiastically.

"Oh, hi, Lee," Sakura says, smiling. "You look happy, did something good happen?"

"Yes! I have gained these pills! I look forward to showing you the effects!" Lee's holding up the bottle for her to see.

Sakura leans in to take a look. And it's at this point that we feel we must remind everyone that Sakura is a medical shinobi. This is unfortunate, under the circumstances. Her hand tightens around the umbrella handle so much that the handle begins to crack. A worrying gleam appears in her eyes, and an even more worrying smile, fixed and manic, appears on her face. She twitches a little. "Oh, you'll 'show me the effects,' huh? Well, I've got news for you-"

For those who are unaware, an umbrella is not usually a weapon, unless it is laden with needles or otherwise modified. It is not usually an implement of terror. Today, however, in the hands of a girl with Sakura's enhanced strength, it is quite terrifying indeed.

If Rock Lee had been meaning to travel a couple of streets over, he would probably have walked, or jogged, or even jumped across the roofs in between. He doesn't have to do any of that today, because with one mighty blow from Sakura, Rock Lee, however temporarily, learns to fly. When he comes crashing to the ground, he narrowly misses Jiraiya and Naruto, who stop their conversation to stare at him.

"Bushy Brows, what happened?" asks Naruto, very startled.

"I... do not know," Lee groans. "I only wanted to show Sakura these pills I got to help me with my training, but she got very angry with me." He sits up. "Perhaps she feels it is cheating to rely upon pills instead of my own hard work? Oh, Sakura, you have shown me the nobler path!" Tears stream down his face.

Jiraiya snags the bottle off him and chuckles. "You're not supposed to tell a girl you've been using these," he advises, and the bottle disappears into one of his pockets. "I'll just take these for now. Keep up your training!" he urges, all encouragement, and beams at Lee. "And I'll keep up mine..." He pats the pocket he put the bottle in, and chuckles again.

"Yes! I will work hard even without pills like these!" Lee jumps to his feet, one fist punching the air. "I will get a strong and manly body from my own hard work!"

"You do that," agrees Jiraiya, and beckons for Naruto to come along with him.

"Pervy Sage, why're you laughing like that?"

"Oh, nothing, it's nothing..."

We would leave this Sannin and move to the responsible member of that trio, but Lady Tsunade, the Hokage, is currently busy drinking sake.

"Oh, Lady Tsunade, should you be getting drunk in the daytime?" frets Shizune.

"Pssh, it's raining! What else is there to do?" Tsunade scoffs. "Besides, nothing's going to happen on a day like today. Everybody's staying indoors on account of the weather."

This, I'm afraid, is what we call 'tempting fate.'

"Lord Orochimaru, it's raining, can't we just stay inside?" asks Kabuto, out in the forest, mere moments later.

"Kabuto, you fool! This is the perfect time to strike!" Orochimaru cackles evilly, and summons his mighty snake Manda. "Now, I will finally crush the Hidden Leaf! Go, Manda! Eat this!" He lobs another bottle of pills into Manda's gaping maw, and the snake slithers forward, ready to batter down the walls of the village. There are screams, shouts, cries of fear and alarm inside as the huge serpent rises up to strike, stretches out to his full length -

\- and stops.

"...Manda?" Orochimaru pokes the summon lightly.

Kabuto groans. "Oh no, those pills have made him so stiff all over he can't even move!"

There are a great many ninja racing out of the village, all hungry for a cameo and a fight scene.

"Lord Orochimaru, we have to run for it!"

Sadly for everyone who might have got that cameo, they do.

Tsunade, still a little tipsy, watches them scarper.

"Lady Tsunade?" Shizune asks. "What should we do about Manda?"

"Oh, give it eight hours or so. If he's still there then, I'll do something about it." With that, she turns away to go back inside and get back to her drinking.

Orochimaru flees back to his hideout, Kabuto beside him, slamming the door behind them. Angry and embarrassed, he storms inside, and looks at his mail-order collection with disgust. "Kabuto... get rid of these."

"What, all of them? Yes, Lord Orochimaru." Kabuto bundles it all up and carries it off, though he slips a magazine or two inside his shirt for later once he's out of sight. Almost all the rest, he drops into a bin.

Almost all, that is.

One lone, forgotten flyer lies unnoticed on the hideout floor, until someone happens to walk down that corridor, and picks it up.

"XXX GET BIG SNAKE NOW!!! THICK N GIRTHY MAKE EM SCREAM -" Uchiha Sasuke reads, and frowns thoughtfully. "Hmm... bigger summons _would_ increase my power... if Orochimaru won't teach me enough, I'll get what I can, where I can."

He stares into the darkness.

"Could this be... a tool for my revenge?"

-FIN-


End file.
